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Nothing is wrong, of course. I just had an essay and my poetry portfolio due on the 15th - so lots of work for me. In fact, I barely left the house for the entire 12 days I was writing it, except to attend most of my lectures.

I enjoyed writing poetry more than I thought I would and found a surprising connection to writing love poems. More Carol Ann Duffy than Hallmark. Other people I've showed them to have really enjoyed them, but only time will tell if they were good enough. I don't know when we will get our work back.

Now, I just have to write a play by January. Although we have never covered playwriting before. We get under a month of lectures on playwriting and it is worth 2 thirds of our module mark. I don't think that's fair. Poetry was also barely covered - I had to seek other advice from forums and from people who used to write poetry with my mother to understand why abstractions aren't supposed to be used.

So I'm a little overwhelmed by the work. I also have an essay due and an exam in January - so I'm going to try and bash out either the essay or the play as soon as possible.

First, I'm going home. Or well, going to see Paul tonight. It's very strange but I miss him, it has now only been 16 days since I last saw him but it feels like months. I was fine with Rory living in England. I used to pray that James would leave me alone for at least a week. So what makes Paul different? I've never been one to miss someone, not this bad, not miss them so much I've caught a 6am train so I can be back in bed with him, after only a few days.

I have to admit, the longer I've been away from him - the easier it is. The first week I was missing him a lot, but now...I could probably go a few more days. Not another 16 days though, so I do wonder how I'm going to travel while teaching if I can't stand to be away from Paul for the length of a decent holiday.

I'm not jealous of paranoid any more, not really. I occasionally have a little wobble but somehow I've come to accept that he loves me. He really really loves me. He's aware of his track record and he says he understands why I found it hard to trust him, that he would too. I hope I'm not wrong to trust him. If I saw this situation from the outside I would be judging the girl for being so naive.

It also helps that the other day it was him who got a little paranoid. There was some confusion over the quantity of condoms I had. I was also extremely tired that night as I was pulling an all-nighter to complete my poetry and essay. Anyway he knew all I had left were 3 condoms - which had been in my purse. Then at one point I went home and there was only one left. To which I said maybe my roommate took one, or I've left them at home. Though my answer wasn't very clear as he does have the tendency to confuse me and for me to respond with whatever pops into my head.

So I was on the phone monday night and somehow the conversation about condoms came up. I said I had three, he thought I had bought more and was wondering why I needed to buy more. He was very confused and sounded a little...miffed. I explained that they are the original condoms I had, which he didn't believe. He seriously thought for a moment I was cheating on him - which was ridiculous but it also made me feel quite happy. It's wrong to be glad that your loved one is upset but I was sick of being the only insecure one. When I jokingly replied that I didn't have time to cheat - that I'm always working - he said that he doesn't know that. I could be telling him that I'm busy when in fact I'm sat right next to the guy. I said that was true and that was what I thought about when I accused him of doing the same. I eventually managed to reassure him that I wasn't, although I could tell the issue of where the condoms came from still bothered him.

Though we are still a little fraught.

Last night he asked if his friends Rhiannon and Shannon could stay the night. They're lesbians and apparently had drunk too much to drive. I didn't mind, much, and I don't want to be a type of person he feels the need to check with. So I sent him a joking text about it being fine as long as he isn't sharing the bed or watching. Every time I have visited, Shannon and Rhiannon have been down as well, and Paul always jokes about watching or about us all going to the bedroom. I thought I was relating to that. But he got annoyed and said that there was no need for me to text that, as it sounds like I don't trust him.

I honestly was joking, but his overreaction to it alarmed me. Either he just didn't realise I was joking or he was defensive because he was guilty/lying. He did ask if they could stay the night at 9pm. He had only got back from work at 7pm. How drunk could they be? Why not get a taxi? etc. I couldn't ask these questions because I would sound jealous or controlling and I really don't want to be that person. I never was before.

I have to admit, the closeness between Shannon and Paul did drive me up the wall at first - but only because I know how much he loves lesbians, plus she's been with men before and I was tired when I was last down so I didn't feel as 'fun' as she is. Plus she's quite pretty. Her girlfriend Rhiannon had the same worries, so much so they almost broke up over it.

So the same old melodrama. But to be honest, I do love Paul and although him cheating on me would devastate me, I would get over it. I'm naturally solitary that way.

Now I'm going to go to the shower and shave off the forest that has grown on my legs in the last 16 days. What fun it is to be a woman.